With Regards to Laura Numeroff and Adam Mansbach

If you give some kids a movie, because you really need to get some work done, they’re going to want a snack.

If you get the children an unspecified snack, they’re going to dump it on the floor and demand another one, so you’re probably going to have to get a vacuum.

When you go get the vacuum, the children will want to hide in the kitchen.

When they get to the kitchen, they’ll see all the artwork on the fridge and want to color, so you’ll have to get them paper and crayons.

Once they’re done drawing on the table, they’ll realize they need to use the potty, so five minutes later they’ll speak up and ask you for new, clean clothes.

As they’re getting dressed, they’ll look out the window and realize that they want to play outside, so they’ll ask you to help put on their shoes.

After putting on their shoes, they’ll decide they wanted to do it themselves, so you’ll have to take off their shoes again.

After taking off their shoes, they’ll realize they wanted to take their shoes off by themselves, too, so they’ll ask you to put their shoes back on.

Once their shoes are back on and they’ve pried them off again, they’ll want to put them back on again, and fail horribly, and throw a tantrum for twenty fucking minutes until they eventually brute force their left shoe onto their right foot, so you’re going to have to decide if you give a flying fuck if your kids wear their damn shoes on the wrong damn feet.

When you’ve decided to let your child go outside to play barefoot on the lawn, they’re going to run straight over the mud and dog poop, so you’re going to need the hose.

Once you’re done hosing down the kids, you’re going to need to bring the sprayer end back with you over to the faucet to turn off the water, because if you don’t, the little bastards are going to spray you in the ass and crotch with the jet setting.

After you’ve forgotten to take the sprayer end with you, you’re going to need a bag of rice for the iPhone in your pants pocket.

As soon as the kids see the bag of rice, they’re going to think it’s supper time, and they’re going to want to help you make it, so you’re going to need some boiling water to make Jell-o.

Now that the Jell-o solution is in the fridge, the kids are going to ask how much it would take to make a bouncy house of Jell-o like in that one movie.  And once they’ve started talking about that movie they’ve already seen twelve times this week…

….they’re going to want to watch it.


Author of over sixty children's books, as well writer of textbook materials and standardized exam text. I may have helped teach your children...

Posted in Movies and TV, The Kids

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