Just For the Record, I Wanted the Stadium Anyway….

Let us celebrate the passage of the Vikings stadium bill by gazing into the future at the priceless memories yet to come over the next thirty-year lease…

2016: The inaugural game at Home Depot Mortgage Financial Stadium is a bit of a let-down as the defending Super Bowl Champion Detroit Lions defeat the Vikings 31-9.  On the upside, Blair Walsh has his first 3 for 3 field goals from within the 45 yard line since 2014.  Starting quarterback Joe Webb overthrows Jarius Wright on the first play from scrimmage.  Fans loudly bellow for Joe Webb.

2017: Awash in nostalgia after having been enshrined in the Football Hall of Fame, Brett Favre comes out of retirement and rejoins the Vikings.  With the new rules protecting players, especially quarterbacks, Favre throws for 8000 yards and 96 interceptions and leads the Vikings to an exciting Wild Card playoff loss.

2020: Minneapolis hosts Super Bowl 54, a bitter event after Vikings are mathematically eliminated from the postseason by Week 10 of the 2019 season. Packer fans pack the stadium to see Green Bay defeat the Los Angeles Bills 42-38.  Aaron Rogers wins Super Bowl MVP for the third time.

2025: New Head Coach Larry Fitzgerald, Jr. takes the Vikings to the NFC Championship game by hitching his wagon to 1st round draft pick “Deuce” Cole, a quick, strong-handed, route-running Tight End, only to lose late in the fourth quarter as the team is unduly hampered by Deuce’s excessive celebration penalties.

2027: The first “billon dollar contract” NFL player, “Deuce” Cole, quits the game of football to make more money playing Major League Soccer at the newly renamed Banco los Americanos Estadio, where the Spanish, having grown bored with taking over bowling, have made soccer the #1 sport in the United States.

2031: The season is cancelled after a deal cannot be reached between the players union and the owners.  The owners refused to budge on expanding the season from 18 to 20 games, and the players would not budge over the demand to drop the requirement to show up for games.

2036: New owner Zygii Wilf, “son” of the former owner (cloned from Zygi Wilf’s DNA) begins to drop hints about the antiquated nature of the stadium, pointing out the lack of a transparent force field dome roof, absence of cold fusion powered air cooling systems to combat the average October temperatures in Minnesota of 101 degrees, and private suites for players’ mistresses.  He suggests that the Minnesota Legislature spend a trillion dollars to annex North Dakota and build a new stadium near the MegaMall City of WilfMart.

2038: Former announcer Paul Allen is honored for his over thirty years in the broadcast booth by being given the annual honorary place in the Vikings’ Ring of Honor.  Paul Allen, who had been the play by play announcer for Vikings games first on the KFAN’s AM radio signal, then later their FM signal, and finally into the present micro-neural telepathic transmission signal days, was the highest Ring of Honor KFAN Poll vote getter since special teams player Demarkus Jones got 53% of the vote in 2034 as fans wistfully recalled the golden days of Vikings’ yesteryear in honoring how he “threw that one really great block on that kickoff return in that one playoff game in the 20s that they almost won.”

2041: Plans for a new Vikings’ stadium is nearly scuttled as Zygii Wilf refuses to budge from his $499 million dollar contribution to the one trillion dollar stadium, which the Wilf Family Conglomerate points out is the third-highest private contribution to an NFL stadium in football history.  Catastrophe is averted when the legislature agrees to raise the additional $1.2 million dollar difference through a cigarette tax.  When notified, Bob Johnson, the last remaining smoker in Minnesota, said “Now I have to pay ANOTHER million dollars in taxes on my cigarettes?  I might have to stop smoking in my hovercar while flying the kids to school!”

February 1, 2045: Minnesota Vikings fans celebrate in the street as the NFC Champion Vikings are 100 point favorites in the Super Bowl on February 4 after the AFC Champion Honolulu Panthers’ starting players are killed when their trans-oceanic light rail car is pulled down into the cold ocean depths by a mutated kraken.  However, on the eve of the Vikings’ first likely Super Bowl victory in history, the world is destroyed by a colliding comet.

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Author of over sixty children's books, as well writer of textbook materials and standardized exam text. I may have helped teach your children...

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